It’s the JAKE CHRISTMAS DRINKS GUIDE 2020. We’ll drink to that!
It’s been a funny old year, what with one thing or another – we can barely keep up! – but, what with the Baby Jesus fluffing his manger as we speak and Mrs Clause slipping out the back yard for a her seventeenth sherry of the afternoon – like anyone’s counting – we thought we’d embrace the festive spirit with vim, vigour and a never-ending vat of mulled wine and bring you our finely crafted selection of gorgeous boozes you can buy, for your pleasure. Only booze. Booze. Santa’s so excited he’s slipping off his designer-imposter sleigh.
DRINKS, DRINKS AND MORE DRINKS!
Black Cow Christmas Spirit
It’s beginning to taste a lot like *checks notes* Christmas. Well, it is if you treat yourself to a medicinal bottle of Black Cow Christmas Spirit, the booze that brings the magic of a Christmas pudding to your tipple, by which we mean citrus, cloves, cinnamon, figs, not necessarily the Birds Custard we know you put with it. Drink straight up, with champagne or as part of a mulled cocktail. We know we would.
£25 from blackcow.co.uk or Harvey Nichols.
Empirical
It looks like something you might find in your bathroom - if you have a very smart bathroom - but it’s booze. Hooray, right? Not that you ever find booze in your bathroom *coughs*. And it’s booze, Copenhagen booze, based on flavour. So there’s The Plum, I Suppose (plummy, almondy), for example. And Fuck Trump and His Stupid Fucking Wall (floral, fruity), which is an actual true thing... And you can buy an Empirical Flavour Gift Pack, with both of the above and others. But it’s those bottles...!
£37 for the gift set, £63 for a 50cl bottle, empirical.co
Glasshouse
If you enjoy your whisky in a highball (and we’re not making any smutty jokes about that at all. Not even one), then this premium blended Scotch made from 100% malted barley is your man. Or non-gender-specific person. It’s clean and so bright it could probably help children with homework and is non-chill filtered to boot... but we’re probably getting a little too anal there. Suffice to say it’s 46% ABV and is perfect neat or over ice. Told you it was clever.
Porter’s Orchard Gin
If you treat yourself to a bottle of this, rest assured you will be keeping the bottle, which is totally apothecary-gorgeous. As for the contents, it pays homage to the flavour profile of French wines, in particular Blanc de Blanc champagne, one of our favourites. With cold-distilled green apples and pears (is there anything they can’t do these days?), you can do a G&T with a slice of apple (that’ll get them talking!) or in a French 75 cocktail. Don’t mind if we do, we’re not driving.
£38, portersgin.co.uk
Stauning Whisky
Launched by a helicopter pilot, a doctor, a teacher and a chef, all crazy about their whisky (even if the idea of a helicopter pilot crazy about his whisky gives us the chills, though we don’t mind it in a teacher), this beautifully packaged tipple blends old and new world methods and floor-malted grain (us neither) from the west coast of Denmark to create a whisky you wouldn’t be embarrassed to serve to your helicopter pilot. Ours will drink anything.
From £60, stauningwhisky.com
Vivir Reposado
Can you be trusted with tequila? You can with this as it’s not that stuff you slam down and gobble lemons to get rid of the taste. It’s what’s known around these parts as ‘the good stuff’, not what you give them next door. Aged for six months - that’ll be the ‘reposado’ bit as it means ‘rested’ - until it’s matured into a more honey-coloured spirit (it actually looks like whisky), the notes are earthy, vanilla-y and caramelly. Enjoy neat (sip!) or in a cocktail. We know we will.
£38.99, vivirtequila.com
Unknown Pleasures
Ever since Dianne Abbott was caught drinking a canned cocktail on the Tube, we can’t set foot on public transport without a little freshener about our persons (yes, it’s illegal, in theory...), which is why we are delighted with these premium cocktails in cans from Oliver Peyton (famous restaurateur and general bon viveur). Made in collaboration with superstar mixologist Dré Masso, who Oliver worked with at the Atlantic (remember that place?), the handy pocket range includes Bloody Mary, Peach Iced Tea and Espresso Martini for that little pick-me-up.
From £3.20 a pop, unknownpleasures.com
Brixton Gin
There was a time when the only things Brixton was famous for was Love Muscle, something raunchy hosted by Suzie Kruegar and getting mugged at the cashpoint. Oh and David Bowie. Not anymore. Now it’s all fancy bars and organic markets and jazz, in all likelihood. Oh and gin. Brixton Gin, to be precise, a fusion of modern, novel flavours balanced against more traditional notes... it says here, though that does seem a little vague. But hey, that’s Brixton for you! Maybe it hasn’t changed after all.
£34.95, guzzl.co.uk
Send a Negroni
Have you ever sent a drink over to someone at a bar? It really is the most glamorous - and most effective! - thing ever. We’ve even been known to say to waiters, ‘Who sent these over?’ while looking around the room for an imaginary sender-over when our drinks order arrives. Anyway, now you can send top drawer Negronis through the post. Even to yourself! Packaged in individual serving pouches, which you can add a personalised message to (‘Why are you so good to me?’ comes to mind), they come in Classic or Tropical variations and can be sent anywhere in the UK (Europe is extra).
£10 including UK delivery, sendanegroni.com
NON-BOOZE BOOZE
ZEO
A non-alcoholic spirit? Now, how does that work? Well, for starters, it comes in the most gorgeous bottle. Then it mimics the flavour and mouth-feel of your actual, you know, booze. It comes in Botanical Dry and Spiced Oak varieties and is the perfect gift for the teetotal or sober-curious among your friends (if indeed you have friends like that!) or even to lay in ready for Dry January. And it totally won’t look out of place on that extensive cocktail shelf of yours.
From £25, feelzeo.com
Everleaf Mountain
Are you a pink gin drinker? Would you like to be a pink drinker without any of the fighting and tears traditionally connected to that activity? Then we have the perfect solution: Everleaf Mountain non-alcoholic gin alternative. Flavour-wise it’s all mountain berries, floral aromatics and savoury accents... you know, complex, refreshing. And another perfect addition to your Dry January drinks cabinet.
£18, everleafdrinks.com
Lucky Saint
When we say ‘drinks subscription’ we don’t mean leaving your card behind the bar at The Club at The Ivy and then forgetting all about it, we mean signing up to a non-alcoholic lager service to start your new year off with a clear head (for once, right?) Sign up for regular deliveries of Lucky Saint lager (which is low-calorie into the bargain), just in case you’re embarrassed (and you really shouldn’t be) to be carting bag-loads of the 0% stuff back from the supermarket. Besides, this is nicer.
£22 for 12 330ml bottles, luckysaint.co
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