Now, we are clearly no experts on the sex lives of the heterosexual but judging by a new exhibition featuring the work of Scandi painter Edvard Munch and our own, our very own Tracey Emin it’s all looking messy, violent and frankly worrying.

The idea to pitch Emin against the man behind The Scream (not the film but the painting the mask in the Scream movies is based on) is a brave one. For her, at any rate. Well, the similarities that prove the point of the exhibition itself makes her work look, at the very least, unoriginal.

The pictures are huge and scratchy, and in Emin’s case, mainly of women looking like they’re in some sort of distress, if you can actually make out what you’re looking at. And there are some of her famous (but a bit Bruce Nauman rip-offy) neons and some little animal figures. The Munch contribution is more figurative but hardly more reassuring. But then it’s just three rooms and they do have a great gift shop for Christmas ideas.

If you think you might prefer something a little more refined, HMTQ - that would be Her Majesty... you know the rest - has had a rummage in her archive and come up with some rarely seen masterpieces by the likes of Rembrandt, Canaletto, Vermeer, Van Dyck, you know, names. And they are delicious. From seascapes to intimate interiors to Cleopatra getting up to mischief with an asp, these are paintings heavy on time, effort and talent and light on tortured-artistry. Or does that make us sound like philistines?

Masterpieces from Buckingham Palace until January 10, The Queen’s Gallery, Buckingham Palace, London SW1, rct.uk
Tracey Emin/Edvard Munch: The Loneliness of the Soul until February 28, Royal Academy, Burlington House, Piccadilly, London W1, royalacademy.org.uk

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A Tale of Two Exhibitions

And now for something completely different. And you don’t hear that about the Maldives very often.

The River Cafe is opening a new restaurant right next door. Called Sylvia’s. And it’s all about vegetables.